It's official.. I'm making the typepad switch...

Well ... blogger held up for about two months since I threatened to make the typepad switch ... and ... well, it's time.

I've been having blogger issues .. again.... for about a week.

*sighs*

So, it's time.

I'm officially going to TRY and conquer the typepad, "oh shite I don't know where anything is," dilemma and continue my blog on typepad here ~~~~~~>

http://blondebydesign.typepad.com/my_weblog/

So, if you're wanting to read about my blonde life, the rest of my Montana adventures, my trip to Florida, and my up coming trip to New York, I'll see you on typepad! *smiles*

A repressed need??

Can you believe that I manage to pack and drag 3 heavy pieces of luggage from California to Florida without so much as a smudge or mar to my nails... and then, today, in a rush to get a stranded lone shopping cart at the NINETY NINE CENTS STORE of all gawdforsaken places, I BREAK a nail???

*rolls eyes at self*

Shopping carts are like gold at this particular 99 Cents outlet. People actually LEAVE with them. (scary thought - sad thought, too)

Because I'm a smart girl and like to save where I can, I buy my bottled water at the 99 Cents store. It just happens to be so much easier to haul out 10 gallons of water with a shopping cart - and they carry my brand of water.

*laughs that she has a Brand of Water*

And before the anal section starts digging in with the question of, "just how practical am I, haven't I ever heard of Water Filters" .... ummmmmm..... Let me just answer those little question right now.

*mischievous grin*

1) I'm blonde
2) I don't like the taste of filtered water. Unless you know of a filter that can pass my little taste buds test well, then... ... next question, please. *innocent look*

*smiles pretty, blue eyed twinkle*

I'm beginning to think the constant damage to my flip finger is a sign of psychological damage and showing stress signs of the repressed need to flip something or someone off. lol

Since I never flip anyone off in anger...

(except for that one car several months ago)

...and I haven't had the need or desire to flip anyone off in a couple of years

(but that was fun - albeit at times flustered and involuntary *grins* ).

*sighs*

But, seriously, I can't think of a solution to this repressed flip off frustration.

A girl can't just go around flipping just anyone off, ya know what I mean??

On a serious note, I hope the Nail Nazi doesn't shoot me for breaking another nail after my Montana nail massacre.

*laughs - ok, I can't be serious*

No, I didn't fall off the face of the earth...

But I did lose a couple pounds, have a couple sugar highs, and make it from the East Coast to the West Coast while playing the part of a too busy girl in a real life production.



I'm back from Florida ... and here I left everyone thinking I was still mourning the wedding. *grins*

It was sad for me... very sad. But life doesn't always wait when there's more to come. I didn't have a commercial break, so I had to catch the next plane.

What does a Sprite do when she's sad???

Why ... plant flowers, of course! *smiles* 

A late night phone call...

I know I need to finish telling you about Montana... but life keeps happening before I can get it all out...

Late last night, while I was in that in between stage of being just plain tired or utterly exhausted, my ex called.

Ex fiance.

We never married, but were together off and on for around 14 years. Not necessarily easy years, all of them. Especially the ones where I was so ill and he was seeing someone else, yet telling me how much he still loved me. Not an easy thing to deal with when one is fighting to get well.

But, the good times, well... they were wayyy good.

*sighs*

We're still very close and I count him amongst my closest of friends. It's not a secret that we still love each other ... and I do love him, very much. Just not in that "in love" way where I want to be with him as a girlfriend.

I love spending time with him, talking to him, I love the comfort of him, but I just don't know that I would ever be able to let enough walls down to trust him with my total heart exposed and vulnerable once more. Basically, I out grew him... and to me, it would be foolish to let him back in on that level. As much as I love him, there are others things I want in life now. (but.... I have to admit, I'm more excited about shampooing the carpets than I am dating.)

(really.. I AM excited about shampooing the carpets!!!) lol

Just because I'm no longer with the ex doesn't mean I think it's necessary to cut him out of my life. I actually get along really well with most men I've ever been involved with in any sort of way. Well... other than the stalker ex. lol But that's another story.

So, the ex calls... and I'm a bit surprised because we've recently spoken. Tomorrow is his daughter's wedding. The daughter of my heart. The daughter in many ways I helped raise - from the side lines.

My ex is a great dad. It's one of the reasons it was so easy to love him and one of the reasons I stay in touch and close to him. They were once my family and we share the love and concern for the kids.

His kids.

He's written one of his famous letters to his daughter and almost son-in-law. Another tear jerker, I imagine, telling them how much he loves them, but he's worried that he's hasn't gotten the letter quite right yet.

I listen while he reads it outloud.

Truly, it's heartfelt. It's touching. It's shows his love for his duaghter in the warmest of ways. I know she'll cry when she reads it. The only thing I'd add to it is about "choices" the kids will have to make. He agrees and decides to work on the letter some more.

And then he says ... "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for my part in coming between you and the kids in the past. I know my saying this doesn't change anything now, but I just wanted you to know how I'm sorry I am."

"... and I love you."

Really, I'm trying to not cry. It's been a very hard time with the daughter's wedding day drawing near and my being uninvited to the wedding.

I expected it though. I saw it coming and wasn't in the least bit surprised. That, of course, didn't keep it from hurting. I think I was mostly numb about it - until today.

When she invited me to the wedding I knew all those years of loving her despite the interference of the ex were so worth it.

She told me in person about the man she loved, invited me in person to share their special day. She'd said, "no matter what she wanted me there - that I'd always been there for her and she needed me to share her wedding day with her."

Then, when she was writing out the wedding invitations with her biological mom (psycho drama queen award of the year), her mom saw my name on the list and proceeded to make a scene, rant and rave and they got in to a huge fight about my coming to the wedding. Her mother threatened, "Over her dead body," would I be allowed into that wedding! Then the manipulative threats came. "I'm not paying for your wedding if she comes, and you can pay me back for everything I've paid for." (the kids are struggling financially and the daughter had SUCH big wedding dreams)

I could feel the heat of their argument 2 hours away. It didn't take a crystal ball to know this was coming. Shortly after, the ex called, and I asked him if there were problems with my coming to the wedding.

(I've always been aware that his ex-wife hated me and was very jealous of me. All these years later, another marriage and child, she hadn't changed)

He confirmed and said, "yes." Told me that they'd had a huge fight over it. I told him to tell the daughter that I loved her, but to stop fighting over it. It's her special day and it shouldn't be a fight.

I understood. I understand...

Today ... today ... I missed the wedding of my only daughter. A daughter that I have consistently loved no matter what others did.

The daughter of my heart.

Tonight ... I cry.

It hurts.

Even though I know I did the right thing.

I so love it when...

I so love it when mother earth washes the air and gives everything else a bath.
I took these the other day and then, yay! We had more rain this morning.

Galen loves it, Molly hates it. Kitty looks at me like, "what IS that!"

And so goes the world according to blonde.

Today is a root lady day to ensure that I'm more blonde than gray. (pesky little gray things. Where did they come from? I'm SURE they're NOT supposed to be on MY head... lol)

It's a battle. So far the blondes are winning.

*grins* 

A Montana Story Interruption...

We interrupt this Montana Story to bring you a Galen Announcement.

This morning at the vet's office (Molly had her teeth done), my little man had a quick check up.

Galen, at just barely 6 months, is officially weighing in at 75 lbs.!! He's packed on 15 lbs. since we left for Montana! (He did outgrow his kennel while we were gone. One of the first things I did after I got back to get him a new kennel.)

On another breaking news front story, I was also bitten by the neighbors POODLE!

FLUFFY BIT ME!

Mean little s%cker.

He tried to attack me THREE times. Very odd experience, being attacked by a Bijon Poodle while his owner is standing there swearing at him in Spanish, threatening him with her slipper!

Like he noticed HER slipper while he was charging at MY legs trying to bite me!!! It was obvious this wasn't the first time she'd taken her slipper off to threaten Fluffy. They didn't have him on a leash and obviously have NO control over that dog! ( mean little beast)

I'm ok, he just bruised me. Mostly I was doing, what I thought was a fairly coordinated "avoiding a dog bite dance," until the next day I noticed I had some how ended up with a sprang ankle to sport with my bruised shin.

Stay away from the grocery store...

There's no such thing as a quick trip to town if you're with a member of my family AND going to the grocery store.

OMG - they stop and chat with EVERYONE, including the bag boy/girl, Bertha and Myrtle, people they like and don't like. It takes 2 hours to do a 20 minute errand. And then everyone notices it's me that's home ... so I smile, and do the pleasant chit chat, quietly thinking, "can we go now?"

Wayyy too much attention.

Then as we're leaving I turn, with my best blonde innocent look and say, "who was that???"

*grins*

I haven't lived at Home on the Range, MT in, ummm... count it people ... over TWENTY Years. I did not return for class reunions, family reunions or picnics. You could count on one hand and 5 fingers the number of people I kept in touch with. I left. I got as far away as soon as possible.

I wanted to be a real person, not someone's little sister or the invention of my mother. Actually, I chose and went to great efforts throughout my 20's to make sure I'd be nothing like my mother. Bless her heart, I love her (now) and there ARE good parts to her (we both garden .. lol) but, the rest of her, well... she just can't help it, I think. She's the product of her environment.

I got that, saw it so clearly - I took care of her mother until she passed away the year I turned 21. It was hard to miss. The message was clear and I took the opportunity to change the direction of my life then.

It just took me a few years to get it all in motion mentally.

Hey ... practice makes ... a happier girl.

It does make me sad sometimes, though. That I've had to keep a protective distance in order to survive. Sad, but not a long dwelling pity party. It is what it is. Still ... at times, the lacking of family lingers in my heart... a longing for something that may never be...



Saturday was pie day.


I went home to spend time with my Dad, yet hardly saw him!

Since I was having to cut my trip short (thanks to not being able to work) I was a little distressed that I'd had so little time with my Dad. So, Saturday after I tagged along with my sister to see her horse friends at a local riding clinic, then a quick dash inside the lobby of a local hotel to borrow their wireless internet and check work emails, we met my parents at their favorite coffee shop for pie.

I'm not supposed to eat pie, but hell... I haven't done anything else I'm supposed to do yet, either. lol Instead my sister taught me about Cafe Mocha's with one shot of expresso and chocolate covered coffee beans. Gotta love my sister! She knows her way around the chocolate with a buzzzzz.

I faithfully continue my indulgence during our pie break.

Chocolate Cream Pie. It was, in a word, WAY Yummy.

My Dad seems lost in and out of worlds from his past at times. He's stuck, caught in a wedge of his past. It's a somber moment for me and I catch my breath, forcing tears from my eyes. He's lucid at times, but still in the past. A helpless anger simmers just beneath the surface as he struggles, knowing things aren't right. I can see the helpless look in his eyes.

I should have been there longer.

Truly, I would have liked more time with him.

More time would have been nice with both of them - my mom and my dad. It's easier to love them and give of myself to them now that I'm in a position where they can't hurt me. I imagine it also helps that I am strong enough physically to deal with them, too.

Everything is easier when you're not struggling to live.

I have much to be grateful for ... and gratitude kisses my soul.


(... and, on an ending note tonight ... I just want to add what an EYE Opening experience it was to google for chocolate cream pie pictures on the internet. OMG! I clicked one site and I was like OMfreakingGawwwwd - my poor little eyes were, ummmmm stuck in over exposure of ... STUFF .... *BOINGGG* - no shite!! )

*still laughing at myself and hoping I don't have nightmares*

This is what happens...

This is what happens to pristine white slip on tennis shoes after a day on the farm. I'm not sure there's enough MULE kick in BORAX to ever make them white again!! *laughs, sighs, frowns ... wonders whether to bury them* 

Some things just never change...

It didn't take being home long to find that some things never change - they're just not quite as bad as they used to be - mellowed in a way.

On a trip to, Home on the Range, I never know quite what to expect, but I always expect to step back into the farm shoes I once wore, jumping in to help where ever needed. It could be moving a grain truck, fixing a meal, or... herding cattle.

I think the buzz word for this visit was "the cows are out." ..... *again.*

*laughs*

No, serious.

The Cows WERE out. SOMEONE left the gate open. Then there was a discussion of WHO let the cows out, a round of sighs, accusing looks, and a bit of mumbling. Generally, it seems, my poor little sister-in-law gets most of the blame.

Even if she wasn't home when the cows were out.

She's blonde, so she's gotten pretty good at tuning out the voices that whine from my family tree.

*laughs and rolls eyes at family*

The trip was REALLY, REALLY hard on my poor perfectly manicured nails.
Like a dummy, I'd cut my normally long fingernails short, thinking this would be the *smart* move for traveling and save me from breaking a nail. WRONG. I broke, I chipped... I'd never had my hands look a bigger mess. I was dying to run into town for a manicure, but really, there wasn't time.

Holding my hands out in front of me, a disgusted, silly look on my face, I told my sister, "OMG, look at my nails, I look just like a bag lady!"

My sister laughs, holds her hands out in front of her and mimics me, "OMG, will you look at my nails, I look just like a bag lady."

We both laugh, I giggle and say, "You're right, that's totally the wrong color for a bag lady."

The wireless internet connection and phone I needed to use for work were *not* taken care of the way I was told it would be.

*sighs*

They didn't even have the wireless router set up until that morning - only to discover it didn't work and no one could figure out why. Sadly enough, although very bright, my younger brother was stuck in a state of *know-it-all-ism* and only managed to frustrate himself. (rather like a guy who is lost and refuses to stop and ask for directions.)

*frowns*

Yes, that *IS* a frown you see on my smiley little face.

My family's work ethics and life style and my work ethics and life style are, shall we say, a wee bit different. If you're a client of mine, you KNOW I never disappear from calling range without letting you know in advance.

I, in all my blonde loving ways, didn't let anyone know I would be out of reach, because I hadn't PLANNED on being out of reach and was ASSURED I'd be able to work while I was at Home on the Range. I'd planned for sketchy road travel connection. I did NOT plan for THIS.

Game plan over. I'm now on plan ... F.

*laughs - guess what *f* stands for - grins*

Nothing worked out, nothing was taken care of, and I'm left hanging, not able to work. I had made it very clear to everyone for the past month that if I were to make this trip what I needed. That it had to be a working trip, I had clients scheduled and responsibilities. Ummm.... the "no problem" answers I got are now, ummm.... "a problem."

*double sighs with a frown*

I'm not really sure I should even be surprised. Afterall, these ARE the same people that left me stranded and for homeless in the later part of the 90's when I was so weak and sick I didn't even have the strength to brush my teeth.

After several deep cleansing breathes, reaching inside my soul and inventing a whole new form of ZEN, I tell myself it will all work out, my clients will understand, my business will continue to prosper and flourish - everything will be groovy. (and I remind myself that frowning gives wrinkles... No frowns allowed! lol)

I don't think my parents OR my brother are worried about me paying MY bills nor take my job too seriously.

*giggles*

Well, that is, not until a client from NASA called my parents home.

*gives dumbest blonde look*

Hey, he WAS on the schedule. lol

Far be it for my inconvenience to become his.

Across the prairie and to the hills...

Depending on which farm we were at when I was growing up, my backyard was either acres of rolling hills or miles and miles of endless prairie.

Really, I'm always a country girl at heart without the desire for the motif. I just sometimes look like I might have been to the city more than once. I'm confusing that way. *blonde grins*

(hey! you have to go to the city to get THIS hair color JUST RIGHT!! *winks*)

I arrived at my parents home late on a Thursday night in the middle of a rain storm. The closer I got to home, the more the storm let up.

It wasn't a bad storm. More of a nurturing, steady, "water mother earth" type of storm. A constant shower that promised not to let up for several hours until all the plants and fields were watered, clean, and everything had had a good long drink.

I'm never quite sure what to expect when I get home. Not quite sure what the internal weather structure - the mood - will be like *Inside* the house. It's a roomy, large two story log cabin home with a wrap around deck that has need of repairs here and there. My parents are in their 80's and still mostly active, despite life's set backs and their respective ages.

Naturally, as I'm used to, one parent is always bitching about the other.

Yes, I said bitching.

Sorry. No other way to describe that one and give you the *colorful* picture. *smiles*

My third oldest sister is here. She's a beautiful blonde, our hair almost identical in color, and has this great animal sense. She's the proud mother of two extremely talented and beautiful children, and has a husband that is a mixture of her blessing and a thorn. She's back for a visit also, so we can spend some time together. She softens my stay and without saying a word, she protects me now in a way that wasn't available to her when I was younger.

She wasn't available to me when I was younger.

I have to tell you, it is TOTALLY cool having her for a big sister now. I'm so enjoying this, getting to know her again and for her to actually learn who I AM now. She's so much nicer than she's ever been before. She's dropped the snobville stuff, lightened up the Praise the Lord stuff and is FUN to be around. We both share our love of animals - especially horses.

She is a trainer. An excellent trainer.

Out of all my sisters, this one has grown the most and has the purest intent of trying to understand everyone and be a good person. She's got great energy and a pure heart. Truly, I honestly believe God hears her prayers with crystal clarity when she is praying for our family.

My Mom and Sister are waiting up to greet me, my Dad long gone to bed.

I am home.

All is well.

The house is quiet and calm. I am unscathed.

*relieved sigh*

This is a good beginning.