A late night phone call...

I know I need to finish telling you about Montana... but life keeps happening before I can get it all out...

Late last night, while I was in that in between stage of being just plain tired or utterly exhausted, my ex called.

Ex fiance.

We never married, but were together off and on for around 14 years. Not necessarily easy years, all of them. Especially the ones where I was so ill and he was seeing someone else, yet telling me how much he still loved me. Not an easy thing to deal with when one is fighting to get well.

But, the good times, well... they were wayyy good.

*sighs*

We're still very close and I count him amongst my closest of friends. It's not a secret that we still love each other ... and I do love him, very much. Just not in that "in love" way where I want to be with him as a girlfriend.

I love spending time with him, talking to him, I love the comfort of him, but I just don't know that I would ever be able to let enough walls down to trust him with my total heart exposed and vulnerable once more. Basically, I out grew him... and to me, it would be foolish to let him back in on that level. As much as I love him, there are others things I want in life now. (but.... I have to admit, I'm more excited about shampooing the carpets than I am dating.)

(really.. I AM excited about shampooing the carpets!!!) lol

Just because I'm no longer with the ex doesn't mean I think it's necessary to cut him out of my life. I actually get along really well with most men I've ever been involved with in any sort of way. Well... other than the stalker ex. lol But that's another story.

So, the ex calls... and I'm a bit surprised because we've recently spoken. Tomorrow is his daughter's wedding. The daughter of my heart. The daughter in many ways I helped raise - from the side lines.

My ex is a great dad. It's one of the reasons it was so easy to love him and one of the reasons I stay in touch and close to him. They were once my family and we share the love and concern for the kids.

His kids.

He's written one of his famous letters to his daughter and almost son-in-law. Another tear jerker, I imagine, telling them how much he loves them, but he's worried that he's hasn't gotten the letter quite right yet.

I listen while he reads it outloud.

Truly, it's heartfelt. It's touching. It's shows his love for his duaghter in the warmest of ways. I know she'll cry when she reads it. The only thing I'd add to it is about "choices" the kids will have to make. He agrees and decides to work on the letter some more.

And then he says ... "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for my part in coming between you and the kids in the past. I know my saying this doesn't change anything now, but I just wanted you to know how I'm sorry I am."

"... and I love you."

Really, I'm trying to not cry. It's been a very hard time with the daughter's wedding day drawing near and my being uninvited to the wedding.

I expected it though. I saw it coming and wasn't in the least bit surprised. That, of course, didn't keep it from hurting. I think I was mostly numb about it - until today.

When she invited me to the wedding I knew all those years of loving her despite the interference of the ex were so worth it.

She told me in person about the man she loved, invited me in person to share their special day. She'd said, "no matter what she wanted me there - that I'd always been there for her and she needed me to share her wedding day with her."

Then, when she was writing out the wedding invitations with her biological mom (psycho drama queen award of the year), her mom saw my name on the list and proceeded to make a scene, rant and rave and they got in to a huge fight about my coming to the wedding. Her mother threatened, "Over her dead body," would I be allowed into that wedding! Then the manipulative threats came. "I'm not paying for your wedding if she comes, and you can pay me back for everything I've paid for." (the kids are struggling financially and the daughter had SUCH big wedding dreams)

I could feel the heat of their argument 2 hours away. It didn't take a crystal ball to know this was coming. Shortly after, the ex called, and I asked him if there were problems with my coming to the wedding.

(I've always been aware that his ex-wife hated me and was very jealous of me. All these years later, another marriage and child, she hadn't changed)

He confirmed and said, "yes." Told me that they'd had a huge fight over it. I told him to tell the daughter that I loved her, but to stop fighting over it. It's her special day and it shouldn't be a fight.

I understood. I understand...

Today ... today ... I missed the wedding of my only daughter. A daughter that I have consistently loved no matter what others did.

The daughter of my heart.

Tonight ... I cry.

It hurts.

Even though I know I did the right thing.