Stay away from the grocery store...

There's no such thing as a quick trip to town if you're with a member of my family AND going to the grocery store.

OMG - they stop and chat with EVERYONE, including the bag boy/girl, Bertha and Myrtle, people they like and don't like. It takes 2 hours to do a 20 minute errand. And then everyone notices it's me that's home ... so I smile, and do the pleasant chit chat, quietly thinking, "can we go now?"

Wayyy too much attention.

Then as we're leaving I turn, with my best blonde innocent look and say, "who was that???"

*grins*

I haven't lived at Home on the Range, MT in, ummm... count it people ... over TWENTY Years. I did not return for class reunions, family reunions or picnics. You could count on one hand and 5 fingers the number of people I kept in touch with. I left. I got as far away as soon as possible.

I wanted to be a real person, not someone's little sister or the invention of my mother. Actually, I chose and went to great efforts throughout my 20's to make sure I'd be nothing like my mother. Bless her heart, I love her (now) and there ARE good parts to her (we both garden .. lol) but, the rest of her, well... she just can't help it, I think. She's the product of her environment.

I got that, saw it so clearly - I took care of her mother until she passed away the year I turned 21. It was hard to miss. The message was clear and I took the opportunity to change the direction of my life then.

It just took me a few years to get it all in motion mentally.

Hey ... practice makes ... a happier girl.

It does make me sad sometimes, though. That I've had to keep a protective distance in order to survive. Sad, but not a long dwelling pity party. It is what it is. Still ... at times, the lacking of family lingers in my heart... a longing for something that may never be...



Saturday was pie day.


I went home to spend time with my Dad, yet hardly saw him!

Since I was having to cut my trip short (thanks to not being able to work) I was a little distressed that I'd had so little time with my Dad. So, Saturday after I tagged along with my sister to see her horse friends at a local riding clinic, then a quick dash inside the lobby of a local hotel to borrow their wireless internet and check work emails, we met my parents at their favorite coffee shop for pie.

I'm not supposed to eat pie, but hell... I haven't done anything else I'm supposed to do yet, either. lol Instead my sister taught me about Cafe Mocha's with one shot of expresso and chocolate covered coffee beans. Gotta love my sister! She knows her way around the chocolate with a buzzzzz.

I faithfully continue my indulgence during our pie break.

Chocolate Cream Pie. It was, in a word, WAY Yummy.

My Dad seems lost in and out of worlds from his past at times. He's stuck, caught in a wedge of his past. It's a somber moment for me and I catch my breath, forcing tears from my eyes. He's lucid at times, but still in the past. A helpless anger simmers just beneath the surface as he struggles, knowing things aren't right. I can see the helpless look in his eyes.

I should have been there longer.

Truly, I would have liked more time with him.

More time would have been nice with both of them - my mom and my dad. It's easier to love them and give of myself to them now that I'm in a position where they can't hurt me. I imagine it also helps that I am strong enough physically to deal with them, too.

Everything is easier when you're not struggling to live.

I have much to be grateful for ... and gratitude kisses my soul.


(... and, on an ending note tonight ... I just want to add what an EYE Opening experience it was to google for chocolate cream pie pictures on the internet. OMG! I clicked one site and I was like OMfreakingGawwwwd - my poor little eyes were, ummmmm stuck in over exposure of ... STUFF .... *BOINGGG* - no shite!! )

*still laughing at myself and hoping I don't have nightmares*